MYYYY MON E Y

Disclaimer: This is the real, uninformative part of the blog where it gets all emotional and boring...

When I came back to that room I don't recall if she was there or came in shortly after. However, she was angry but that wasn't abnormal. So I don't recall if she was truly angry when I came back or dialing down from being steaming mad all day. I don't know now and I didn't care then. What eventually happened was a dramatic flight from the hotel room. I remember her snatching things and slamming the door. Then I attempted to reason with her via iMessage for nearly an hour. I don't know if I was successful. I don't know if I said the right things. The reality was we were two people who needed a place to sleep for the night. In the morning, she would go her way and I would go mine.

When it came to the day I wasn't trying to be sneaky. I was simply doing as told. I was finding my own way, not using her as a financier or tour guide and I was seldom seen or heard per her request. Towards the end of the day I was avoiding her. It was my decision to do so. The last thing I needed was for her to beg me of my last money. I didn't want her to know I'd spent my money on something she considered worthless a.k.a. eating. I didn't want her to know I had more money coming. I didn't want her to know there was a fee less bank nearby. I really had found great comfort in my solitude and just wanted to get through the last night. I didn't want to leave another place like I did Seville. I wanted to leave knowing I'd made the most of my time. I wanted to make things worth it. I wanted to leave happy and satisfied.

In her eyes I'd avoided her and I was betraying her. I guess she'd spent the day moping around the city. She probably hadn't eaten anything. Her nerves were probably on edge about traveling alone. However, none of that was my fault. No matter what sort of resentment she had for inviting me or attitude she had for me owing her a measly sum didn't change the fact I was still there. She'd been a total bitch for eight weeks straight and it started before I'd spent any money of hers. I'd been transparent from the moment she'd spent it and she never declined. In fact it was her idea and a promise she made weeks after I'd arrived. Now she was on the brink. Why? Because I avoided her for one full day and was obviously having the time of my life without her? Then I had the audacity to think I was going to lay up in her hotel and part ways with her in the morning like nothing had ever happened? She assumed I would never pay her back and leave her for dead. I think she blacked out from yelling. It was this wretched, screeching over and over again "you said you would pay me my money!". The my was over extended and the e-y was very hard and infinite. It echoed. When I finally focused on the wallpaper and didn't even respond she grabbed her phone and wallet and left. 

For a minute I sat there trying to figure out my next move. I imagined the phone ringing and being told to leave by the front desk. I'd semi packed earlier trying to make sense of my scrapbooking stuff and souvenirs. I'd condensed all my toiletries and laid out clothes for the morning. So I didn't have to grab much if that we're the case. I could easily go to McDonald's to spend out the remainder of the evening. There I could message people on what happened and tell people the real story before she did. I could then walk to the train station and sleep there until morning. Then I could walk about the city until my train came avoiding her and bracing myself for the long journey home. I realized it could be like that and it may not have been expected but it could have been worse. She could have taken my passport. We could have fought and ended up in jail. Shit she could have cut me. The phone never rang. I had my passport. My name was on the room as well. The only thing that could occur is her asking me to leave and I would have knowing my options. I messaged my mom and said the inevitable had happened and it just went downhill from there. My mom is never the person to contact in a crisis. She just doesn't help.

I'd planned to return to the states two weeks before my mothers ship rolled in. At that point in time I had no idea what that meant. In other words, I didn't know what income my mother had or what expenses she paid. I had assumed that she would simply give this girl whatever I owed so I could move on. Well my mother went completely south and was saying how she felt she didn't have to pay her. She didn't want to be involved. She felt that I was a victim. I'd encouraged my mother since Seville to sell my iMac and she refused to. I told her I would sell my camera while in Europe and she advised me not to. So she had told me for weeks that she would give me the money to pay her. Now that shit had hit the fan - she had this bill, this engagement and didn't want to do anything. I'd also told the damsel in distress a specific date assuming that is when my mother would be paid. In actuality my mom is paid every third Wednesday which can be any old date and it was days beyond the date I'd given her. In that moment I wasn't trying to add fuel to the fire. I was just as duped as she was. My mother didn't lie to me just I have never lied to her. It was just a total communication breakdown inception style simultaneously across two continents with two different people.

So as I was texting my mother and getting more bad news I was messaging her. I was trying my best to align with her. Frankly, it was all I could do because it was the exact same message being conveyed to me. My mother was apologizing and ducking me. I had been apologizing and ducking her. I knew exactly what it felt like to be in that position. So I messaged her what I felt in the moment. I found myself sending paragraphs and she was reading them and replying but it wasn't good. Really all I could say was that I was indebted to her but I didn't deserve the treatment. I almost used legalese to secure some understanding in her that she had become the bad guy. Sure, I'd spent a little bit of her money but I'd been actively paying it back. I'd also saved her money because if I weren't there a lot of things she'd gotten accustomed to wouldn't have been possible. I really wanted to hone in on the fact that she never wanted me there in the first place. It was never about the money. That hotel or any other place she would have stayed alone would have been the same cost without me. She wasn't suffering because of me. She was better off and she knew it. Now on our last night she was just trying so hard to make something out of nothing. In between stanzas I'd ask her to just come back up and talk. I'd been here before and I knew it was pointless. So really if she never came or asked me to go I would have been fine either way. 

I know at one point she screamed at me about all the sacrifices she'd made. She explained how she didn't get to see this or go inside of that … because of me. She explained how she was broke now … because of me. She explained how she didn't know how she was going to get to point a or point b … because of me. I was Daria about it. I told her I never wanted to put her in such a position but she needed to understand mine. She made being with her unbearable to a point where I took a 90 day trip and cut it down to 53 days. I was forced to go home and stay with people I didn't like. I had to make all these financial arrangements to travel earlier than expected. If I knew her back was against the wall I would have stayed and helped her but it wasn't. I didn't force her to buy her fucked up train tickets and she wasn't worried about money or me then. I was sitting being lectured on her not seeing the Spanish steps and I'd been forced not to eat for weeks. Again, whose fault was any of that? I could have totally eaten and went places and not given her the money I'd already paid her back. Seriously, all I could think is what did she do with that money?

Did I copy all of these messages back and forth? Yes. I kept copies of everything to prove if she killed me that I had made some effort. I was actively paying her back. I was willing to sell everything I owned and she knew it. I just wanted to be out of her fucking way. In my opinion she'd gone completely nuts over many trivial things. I could have never salvaged that relationship because it was done the moment I arrived in France. She had her own ulterior motives and partook in them while I stood right there. If she would have told me she wanted me to leave then, it would have been far easier to do so - easier on both of us! In total including her "loan" I'd spent over $20,000 from move, to travel and escape plan. Yes, I spent that much money trying to be someones fucking friend. Only when I was flat broke and had borrowed from my real friends, my family and my savings - did I realize I never had one to begin with. It also occurred to me that while I was eating grapes, she was buying clothes. It was no longer about we're in this together - it was every man for himself. In that moment of truth I owed her $535.27. That was all I was worth to her. Our three years of friendship, our talks, memories - nah she just wanted her MON E Y.