Forgiveness

It has been about a month since I've posted and I've been itching to say something. However, I thought it was best to meld into life as it was and see if I could juggle this and that and everything in between. I have been doing everything different. Christmas was … intimate. New Years was … casual. I kept the tree up until the second week of January. I started working just a few weeks ago. I take the bus versus drive the car. I invite people over for drinks. I let people see me without makeup. I spend my off days organizing my place and trying new restaurants. It is so different being normal again. I've been dating. I've been doing laundry. I've been baking. All through this, in the back of my mind …

I am still hurt.

Now I don't do resolutions. I come up with a word for the year and let it center me. These past few years my word choices have been too spot on. Last year I just let go of the concept because I feared what would come of it. Like I mentioned this holiday season was strange. It was so informal. It was long. It was too perfect. I simply forgot. But when someone reminded me of this hurt that I've suppressed, they gave me my word for 2015. It is "forgiveness". This is a word I do not believe in. I do not practice. Yet I have dwelled on pain, resentment, regret and mistakes for almost two years now. They phrased it like this - I don't need to forgive her. I need to forgive myself for what I did and for what I am still doing. 

I am doing way too much.

So what exactly does this mean? For me? For the blog?

Well, I see a bright future ahead when I release myself from these feelings. When I let go of this failure and disappointment. When I can move past the violation and the distrust. I strongly believe everything I learned will show itself. I left here a girl and came back a woman. Who can I hold responsible for this transformation? That bitch I made a mistake in traveling with. I forgive myself for making that mistake. I am letting go of the emotions that came with making that mistake. I no longer feel guilty about my choices. I can see the reward. Not only am I better person but she will learn too.  Someday what she learned will show itself as well. If I forgive myself, my vision will be clear, so I can see when that happens. 

forgive |fərˈgiv|verb ( past forgave ; past participle forgiven ) [ with obj. ]stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake: I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her.• (usu. be forgiven) stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake): they are not going to pat my head and say all isforgiven | [ no obj. ] : he was not a man who found it easy to forgive and forget.• cancel (a debt): he proposed that their debts should be forgiven.• used in polite expressions as a request to excuse or regard indulgently one's foibles, ignorance, or impoliteness: you will have to forgive my suspicious mind.PHRASESone could (or may ) be forgiven it would be understandable (if one mistakenly did a particular thing): the arrangements are so complex that you could be forgiven for feeling confused.DERIVATIVESforgiver nounORIGIN Old English forgiefan, of Germanic origin, related to Dutch vergevenand German vergeben, and ultimately to for- and give.

I am spending 2015 learning how to forgive. Happy New Year. Let's move on.