Yeah So Orlando

Going home was a last minute decision. It was all so random and poorly planned. There was just an inkling that if I left at that particular moment I could actually get things accomplished. I know now that maybe a great amount of time and money was wasted on the trip. However, hindsight is 20/20.

My former roommate abruptly moved. Sadly, I wasn't informed about it until it had already been done. Now although we hadn't lived together in over a year, her place is where I stayed in July. I guess I expected for her to either remain there until we could find another place together or at least let me know well in advance if she wanted to move on. We had combined a lot of things and I'd planned to at least take possession of what I wanted if she moved. In being away and uninformed I didn't get that chance. After weeks of grappling about the whys and hows I put myself in her shoes. She was going through something unfortunate and was footing the storage bill for the majority of my stuff. I could either a. pay some or all of the storage or b. condense our stuff into my existing storage or c. quickly find us a place which could eliminate all of the above. My gut told me c. was doable and I tried to fit this into a very short timeline.

Frankly, I'd been offered a job through a friend months ago. I'd been trying to secure a place based on that offer. I didn't want to lose the opportunity because I was trying to fit the needs of my roommate so I looked into many options. I expected that if the offer was near expiration that I would have to get my own place just to keep the job. However, that would put me in a very awkward position of having to drag belongs from out of state and multiple storage locations. I figured that if I went down there and condensed everything and felt out the offer I could be in a better position for whatever happened. Of course, I had to pitch this idea to my mother who had her own stuff going on. In order for her to finance and support a trip she would have to tie up a lot of loose ends here before committing. The incentive was that she also wanted to go to Florida. She had people she wanted to see. She had things in my storage unit that could buy me more space. It was sort of a trial run and a mini vacay.

Once my mother was in the equation we had the dogs, her health and the traveling to think about. We also had to secure a hotel because we both would have no where to temporarily stay. Booking something cheap, pet-friendly and in an area we could navigate was so frustrating. We actually had to cancel one place because the pet stay fees were almost as high as having an additional occupant … per dog. We opted to leave one pet here in NC and take two dogs to a more pricer but pets stay free hotel. In making the switch we saved more money but wound up twenty minutes out of the area we wanted to be. So then factoring in gas, food etc - we were spending a lot on a whim. But in my opinion, I felt like what I wanted to do was dire and could work out.

Then we left late. The hotel room wasn't ready on time. It was our first time traveling with my late Grandmothers dog and she was an absolute pain. Once in Orlando we had no choice but to go to our plans with dogs in tow. We'd arrived on my roommates one day off which didn't leave much time for anything. We both had no room for movement in either of our storage units and there really weren't many properties available for us to see. The few places we'd both set our minds to didn't work out. My roommates perception was sort of like "welcome to my world" but the idea that things were stalemate pissed me off. I honestly hadn't pursued moving for years so I wasn't keen on uncertainty. In the past I typically found a place and just moved right in. Now I had realtors blowing me off, private owners listing a myriad of qualifications and listings turning out to be nightmares. These were things I anticipated doing housing searches online but not out and about. I didn't enjoy spinning my wheels for nothing. The few days I tried at finding us both a place just drained me. Meanwhile, all I could think about was losing the job offer over such stupidity. 

I realized I had no choice but to look into another roommate or getting a place on my own. However, in both scenarios I had to divide my time with someone or imagine spending a lot more on a smaller place without a guaranteed job. I went in both directions, I called one bedrooms and studios and I looked at a dream place with another friend. Sadly, most one bedroom apartments costs had skyrocketed. My other friend refused to think about moving within a few weeks. So I left empty handed. Then as I returned home all these people contacted me and asked if wanted to see a 3/2 or if I was in the area. Both of my friends were back at work, another on vacation - I simply had no one to even look and tell me if anything was worth my while. I was back in the same boat of being here but with pictures in my mind. Surely, I'm angry that I didn't accomplish anything while there but being back and tortured with phone calls about made it so much worse. My mother feels like it was all a wasted trip and has zero faith in me or my friends. Her perception defines my exit plan and if she thinks I'm incapable of landing on my own two feet she holds it against me. 

She is extremely angry that my job-having friends don't share my sense of urgency. She ultimately feels as if they are holding me back. Yet when I explain to her what living alone affords me she still doesn't align. So now I'm stuck explaining why I cannot take a job to someone who can hire anyone else to do it over this nonsense. I'm also losing friends. They may not feel like it but I can't express my needs to them when theirs are met. In my opinion, I don't have any friends. I also cannot argue with my mother who sees things a lot clearer from the outside looking in. If I lose the offer because I or my friends and I couldn't get it together I basically deserve to stay her under her roof. She views it like a punishment for not pulling my resources. I see it like purgatory and I've seen it like that since the moment I got here. 

So again a new goal as per usual. I am allowing my friends to do as they wish and if they make an effort to include me so be it. Otherwise, I am solely looking for places for myself that will allow me to move immediately. I do not want to waste anymore time or effort and cost myself an opportunity. If I had my way I'd walk away from all of it. I just don't feel like anyone is in my corner and I'm steady walking on eggshells. No one realizes that my life is on hold and my shit is in limbo. I can't bare to spend another holiday bogged in snow with my stuff in a suitcase. I am disappointed in everyone but mostly at myself for not being determined enough. I really need life to get back on schedule already. 

Yeah so Orlando. There was great weather even with a cold front. People are flaky in business and pleasure but that's nothing new. Food is great. I missed Disney. I missed people. However, I was just trying to do me with a few VIGs. I can't blame anyone or anything for the missteps in-between. At least I accomplished seeing where I stood. I sadly put all the good stuff at the back of my storage unit and my roommates just looked like a chaotic puzzle. All I want for Christmas is to know where things are. I hate having to guess if I still own something or if my roommate has is or if I need it for my new place. I wish I knew. I've forgotten. In due time, I'll find out.